Yesterday was initially not great, as I kind of said in my Day 2 blog. I woke up hormonal and feeling very pregnant after less than 4 hours of sleep for the third night in a row. It’s my first real week back at gym and everything hurts. I don’t know my body anymore and Little Bean has taken over all my biological systems. My emotions are not my own. My body feels like it’s not my own.
This is particularly unsettling because I am a person who knows myself. Like I really know myself. And since being pregnant, I just…don’t. Normally it’s all good and I can deal, but there was something about yesterday that made it more difficult than usual. Which, for obvious reasons, contributed to my morning practice being not so great.
I had thoughts of “Why do I keep thinking I can do this? Obviously I can’t do this. Look at me. I can’t even just sit up straight with my legs out in front of me because I’m that stiff and inflexible. Become a yoga teacher one day? Am I insane? What was I thinking?” Since yoga is almost more mental than physical, that didn’t exactly help things.
But then, in the afternoon, my new fusion mat unexpectedly arrived from Sentiens. Like a gentle little “shut up, of course you can do this” present. So I got onto the mat (which is glorious and amazing by the way) and I did some restorative yoga, and you know what? It was actually incredible.
I stayed with my breath the whole time and I managed to do all the poses while keeping the flow. I even challenged myself a little on one of the transitions and managed to do that, too. And I stayed. With. My. Breath.
And today, that’s all I want. No pressure of doing a specific video, just…coming back to my breath and my mat and my body. Just that. And I can definitely do that. Because now that I’ve found my breath, even this one time, I want to keep finding it again and again until I don’t have to go looking for it anymore.
-firebird
firebird yoga 